RECOLLECTIONS OF A PSYCHEDELIC ODYSSEY: Part One
Updated: Jul 24, 2023
A Dose of Infinity
As I approached the levitating, shiny surfaced cube, an overpowering sense of deja vu consumed me. A deep droning, wave-like hum filled my ears. In the foggy darkness that surrounded me, three shadowy figures lingered. The black floating box, situated in front of me, bobbed and rotated in mid-air. I knew I had seen this scene before but could not remember when or how. As I approached the cube, I knew it to be my death. Still, the unshakable sense of deja vu was telling me it wasn't my time. I turned my back to walk away, as I had presumably done once before. In an instant, I blasted free from my consciousness. Propelled into infinity. Thrust into the deepest parts of immaterial existence. An indescribable realm of beauty, wonder, and awe lay before me.
In the winter of 2022, mere weeks before the birth of my second son, I embarked on a week-long journey of exploration through the use of psilocybe cubensis (aka magic mushrooms). I spent two weeks preparing for the intense series of experiences I would have. During this time, I abstained from alcohol, journaled about my goals and aspirations, and meditated on my blockages. I wrestled with an existential crisis, a natural part of my ongoing spiritual exploration and cultivation. The birth of my first son had been traumatic, to say the least. Although I felt that my wife and I handled it with positivity, courage, and grace, it shifted our perspective on life. This shift led us to make a significant life change. One that would allow us to spend more time together as a family. One that would allow us to cultivate a life in pursuit of our passions. One that would see us live a life unhindered.
I had been consistent in my meditative practice and exploration of my consciousness. Despite my efforts, I still felt held back from reaching my higher self. Self-limiting beliefs and the rational 'monkey mind' left me doubting myself. I often found myself questioning my newfound beliefs and the choices we were making. I needed a psychological reset. A subconscious reboot of sorts, to jumpstart into the new version of myself I had been striving for.
A profound psychedelic experience appeared to fit the bill.
This expedition would by no means be my first experience with the funny little mushroom. I first tried the ill-tasting fungi in high school. I was in Ventures (the highest level of the boy scouts) and an upcoming weekend event seemed like a great place to give it a shot. Our group was co-running the event and I, with a long-time friend and fellow group member, had been tasked with security on opening night. This role was a formality and was most definitely unnecessary. But given the circumstances, we felt it was a great opportunity to trip in the woods under the darkness of night.
The experience was memorable and fun. It led to more experiences with friends in and out of Venturers throughout high school and into my post-secondary years. Not all of those experiences were enjoyable though and I had many ‘bad trips’ over that time. Most of these resulted from the nauseating effect the dried mushrooms can have on the stomach when consumed whole. This reaction is caused by chitin, an indigestible polysaccharide and a major component of the fruiting body of the fungus. Known to trigger inflammation, immune responses, and detrimental gastrointestinal effects, such as nausea, vomiting, and even stomach pains, chitin can be a serious block to an otherwise good time. Unfortunately, I was not aware at the time of the ways to mitigate these unwanted effects, so I would often end up nauseated and vomiting. As far as set and setting go, this is a terrible way to start a trip.
For the uninitiated, set and setting are key tenants of any psychedelic experience and they refer to one’s mindset and surroundings. The more someone can prepare for, and control the environment of the experience, the more likely they are to have a positive outcome.
As a result of these bad past experiences, I would often start a trip nervous about the stomach-turning side effects. This would only hasten them into existence and almost ensure a bad trip from the get-go. In university, I discovered that alcohol helped me cope with the nauseous side effects. But those experiences ceased to be mystical or enlightening. The depressant nature of alcohol and the party environment in which I took the mushrooms, deprived the experience of its purity. In time, I hung up my proverbial mushroom trip belt and abstained from consumption for over a decade.
However, I never lost interest in the misshapen, golden-capped shroom, or other psychedelic substances for that matter. Despite some less-than-enjoyable experiences, I knew deep down that it, and similar substances, had something unique to offer humanity. After all, they have been with us from time immemorial. And there is a rich history of their use in cultures from all over the world. In Greece for example, there are ancient records dating back 3500 years, of Eleusinian Mysteries. The forebearers of modern Western thought took part in a mystic ritual and ceremony, that was a staple of Greek society for more than two thousand years. There is also archaeological evidence at the now-Turkish ruin of Göbekli Tepe, that dates the use of psychedelic elixirs to over ten thousand years.
If you have an interest in a deep dive into the long history of psychoactive components and how they shaped our modern religious and spiritual world, I recommend reading (or listening to the audiobook)
In more recent times, extensive research (over the last 20 years) has illuminated the positive benefits of these compounds. When used in a controlled environment, usually a clinical setting, they can help with anxiety, depression, addiction, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other mental health complications. In other words, these substances can make significant alterations to one's consciousness. They have the ability to rewire neuronal pathways, which can lead to an improved outlook on life and positive behavioural changes. In addition, they are safe. There is no chance of overdose, they are non-habit forming, and there are no detrimental effects on one's physical health.
I would like to point out an interesting fact that the human body has essentially evolved to metabolize these compounds. From a molecular standpoint, most psychedelic substances resemble the neurotransmitter serotonin and connect with the serotonin receptors in our brains.
Needless to say, psychedelics continued to be an interest for me, even while I was abstaining. I would read books and watch documentaries on the topic, even though I was steering clear of them. The fear of their ill side effects or what they might dig up from the depths of my mind kept me away for a long time.
In time, the intractable pull of the mind-expanding opportunities inherent in a psychedelic experience drew me back. The ease of buying magic mushrooms online helped too! But this time, I wanted to take a different approach to that of the past. This time it was serious. Something akin to a psychedelic study trial or treatment, or an ayahuasca or peyote ceremony. I wanted the experience to be therapeutic, and cathartic, and help me work through some of the issues I felt were limiting me in my daily life.
The plan for the journey was to take a week and engage in multiple trips, increasing the dose with each. The week would start with a moderate dose of 3.5 grams, then two days off to contemplate and integrate, then consume 4.25 grams in the second session, with 3 days off for reflection. I would finish the week with a “heroic dose.” A heroic dose, as coined by famed ethnobotanist and psychonaut Terrance McKenna, is consuming at least 5 grams of dried mushrooms at one time. In an attempt to limit the onset of an upset stomach, which has plagued me in the past, I decided to complete a process known as ‘lemon tekking.' After consuming in this way, I would never go back to eating plain dried shrooms again. With the Lemon Tek method, you break up the mushroom into small pieces (I used a coffee grinder) and submerge the pulsed fungi into citric acid (juice from a lemon in this case). The acidity of the juice aids in the breakdown of the chitin present in the mushroom, which makes the mushroom easier and quicker to digest and thus, better on the stomach. You let this mixture steep for approximately 20 minutes. It's important to make sure that the mixture does not sit too long, as the citric acid will begin to break down the psilocybin itself, which is the psychoactive component of the mushroom.
After discussions with my beautiful and understanding wife, in which she had approved of my undertaking this adventure, I began to plan and prepare. It was important for me that she was on board, as I would undoubtedly be incapacitated for the better part of 4 hours, several times throughout the week. Luckily for me, she is amazing, and not only did I have her blessing but also received encouragement with my journey into the depths of consciousness, and beyond.
The plan for the journey was to take a week and engage in multiple trips, increasing the dose with each. The week would start with a moderate dose of 3.5 grams, then two days off to contemplate and integrate, then consume 4.25 grams in the second session, with 3 days off for reflection. I would finish the week with a “heroic dose.” A heroic dose, as coined by famed ethnobotanist and psychonaut Terrance McKenna, is consuming at least 5 grams of dried mushrooms at one time. In an attempt to limit the onset of an upset stomach, which has plagued me in the past, I decided to complete a process known as ‘lemon tekking.' After consuming in this way, I would never go back to eating plain dried shrooms again. With the Lemon Tek method, you break up the mushroom into small pieces (I used a coffee grinder) and submerge the pulsed fungi into citric acid (juice from a lemon in this case). The acidity of the juice aids in the breakdown of the chitin present in the mushroom, which makes the mushroom easier and quicker to digest and thus, better on the stomach. You let this mixture steep for approximately 20 minutes. It's important to make sure that the mixture does not sit too long, as the citric acid will begin to break down the psilocybin itself, which is the psychoactive component of the mushroom.
After discussions with my beautiful and understanding wife, in which she had approved of my undertaking this adventure, I began to plan and prepare. It was important for me that she was on board, as I would undoubtedly be incapacitated for the better part of 4 hours, several times throughout the week. Luckily for me, she is amazing, and not only did I have her blessing but also received encouragement with my journey into the depths of consciousness, and beyond.
I was feeling nervous but confident in my preceding two weeks of preparation. My firstborn was asleep in this crib and I was confident he would have a restful night’s sleep as usual. My body was clean of alcohol and other substances and my mind was clear of negative thoughts. I prepared the medicine as per the lemon tek directions. As the concoction steeped, I showered to cleanse my body and mind of any residual negative and self-limiting energy. As I had done in the weeks running up, I repeated the mantra:
“Trust, let go, be open, be curious.”
After my shower, the timer on the steep rang out, I mixed the lemon tek with warm water and swallowed down the chunky, tart liquid. Now it was a waiting game. I planned to meditate while I waited for the fickle fungi to take effect. I had prepared the room with dim lighting, a yoga mat, bolster, and blanket, as well as eye shades to block out all light during the trip and headphones to listen to a playlist of ambient music I created the previous week. About 20 minutes into the meditation, I began to feel an airiness about my body, so I decided to lie down and settle into the unknown. A side note, the lemon tek decreases the onset time of the experience, as some of the digestion has already begun outside your body. Some say it also intensifies the experience and shortens the length of the trip. I would concur with these anecdotal claims.
TRIP ONE
In the darkness of my closed eyes, I saw fear-inducing and grotesque imagines. Although I understood that these images were meant to be scary (or could be scary), I observed them in a calm and detached manner. I found myself lying on a train track face up.
As the train passed over me, menacing faces and horrific images of death and destruction flickered past from the underside of the train. I felt I was being tested. My subconscious mind was throwing everything it had at me to prevent me from entering. I smiled to myself as I knew these efforts were futile. I enjoyed the show.
I was proud of myself for remaining calm and weathering the storm. A younger me would have struggled to handle it and would have most likely fallen down a rabbit hole of fear into a bad trip. As the gruesome parade finally passed over, a brief period of peaceful calm remained in its wake. Sensations in my body increased. My Like a flurry of butterflies, flapping their delicate wings in every capillary. It was a wonderful sensation. Embodying static on the radio, I lost all sense of self-awareness.
The trip then shifted directions and confusion set in as the mushrooms presented me with a memory that I had long forgotten: as a 5-year-old, I ‘sexually experimented’ with another boy. I parenthesized sexually experimented because we were very young, wholly unaware, and lacked understanding, of what we were doing. The vivid recollection left me wondering why I was being shown this. “What was the importance of this in the here and now?” I wondered, as I had not thought about this in almost twenty years. I did recall though, long ago in high school, the feeling of not knowing what to make of the experiences. I must have shut the memories away, pushing them into the depths of my subconscious mind.
This is the power of psychoactive substances. There is no hiding when under their influence. They have the ability to pry open the subconscious and unlock the mind. They can change one's perspective on deep-rooted, hardened beliefs. But beliefs are like stiff clay and psychedelic compounds, like those found in magic mushrooms, are like the strong hands of a sculptor. They knead the clay, softening it up and reshaping it into something new.
I began to experience feelings of sadness for the other boy: “Was he harmed in any way by our actions?” I thought. I hoped not, as the encounters were consensual from what I could remember. Even so, I offered a heartfelt apology to the universe, and the other boy (now a man like me). I asked for forgiveness if I had hurt him in any way. I also asked for my forgiveness, as I was once ashamed of this part of me. So much so that I pushed it away and locked it up for so many years.
At this point, the trip seemed to stall and I grew frustrated and impatient. I was eager for this voyage into the unknown to continue. I didn’t understand why nothing else was happening. I examined these feelings and something told me:
let go of expectations and the need to control the journey.
At the same time, an overwhelming feeling that I needed to tell someone of the previous recollection flooded my body. In this state of consciousness, the perception of time shifts. Images, thoughts, and emotions overlap and arise in an instant. It's almost as if there were multiples of me, standing shoulder to shoulder, processing their own individual experiences. All the while, the many mes, connected by an emotional thread, shared those experiences with their other versions, in real-time.
My wife, who had agreed to trip sit for me, was sitting close by in the dim light of our converted attic. I decided to tell her about my experiences as a young boy. It was a challenging topic to approach, as I had never told anyone and had kept it a secret for 33 years. I am grateful for her response. She reassured me that there was nothing wrong with those experiences, that they were more common than I realized, and that she accepted me for who I was. I love my wife very much. Her ability to accept and understand others is inspiring.
We snuggled together for some time in the low light of the room. An overpowering and intense sense of love for my wife and family came over me. A true and all-encompassing love, unlike anything I had felt before, flowed outward into the abyss of existence and touch all things.
I settled back on my mat as this feeling gave way to another wave of psychedelic experience. I repositioned my eye shades and headphones in preparation to ride out the rest of the trip. Before my covered eyes, I saw a beautiful array of colours and geometric patterns dancing about. The shapes would move in and out of each other, transforming into patterns of endless beauty. The dazzling colours blended into one another in endless synchronicity. I felt my existence begin to meld into the world at large. I could still sense myself as an individual but I felt a greater connectedness to the universal presence composing our reality.
It is very challenging to find the right words to describe these images and feelings. I can only imagine this all sounds quite trite and cliche. Even so, I experienced visuals and sensations like never before. I’m not sure how long this stage of the trip lasted but in time, the technicolor light show subsided. I removed the eyeshades and headphones and looked around the room. The room appeared to be breathing. Everything around me expanded out, paused, and contracted back in. I could sense a breeze in the air and hear a faint whooshing with each ‘breath.’
I was then that I caught a glimpse of myself in a large floor mirror next to where I was now sitting. I knew it was me reflected in the darkness but something was different. I moved towards the mirror for a closer look. In the reflection, I did not have a face but instead, a gyrating, blurred mass where my face should have been. This startled but also intrigued me and I continued to move closer until I was but an inch from the glass. The blurriness cleared and I locked eyes with my reflection. A strange sensation came over me: I was not where I thought I was. Looking into the mirror, I saw myself across from me as one usually does with a mirror, except I, as in my physical body, wasn't the looker. I was being looked at, by my reflection. I was now the receiver of the looking. My consciousness, removed from my body, was now in the reflection in the mirror. I could see myself, outside the mirror, as if I was actually looking out at myself, instead of in at my reflection. This scrambled my understanding of who I was. “Where am I, truly located, if not in my body?”, I wondered.
I continued to stare into the mirror and my reflection began to change, shapeshifting into faces I didn't recognize. I found myself accompanied by unfamiliar individuals, some grotesque, looking back at me from inside the mirror. More faces continued to morph and appear, and they began to resemble me. My reflection toggled between many versions of myself: fat, skinny, old, Asian, young, tanned, Black, bald, bearded, sickly, muscular, Arab. There seemed to be an infinite number of versions of me inside the mirror. I stared with intent, and I was drawn to my right eye, which had grown in size and twitched sporadically. Inside, I could see the glimmering of stars, galaxies, and the greater universe. Transfixed inside my eye, I could see my reflection in my peripheral vision. I grew old, died, and decomposed, revealing a skull with a marble-like eye, gleaming with the soul of the universe. Transfixed on what was inside my bulging eye, something told me, an intuitive knowing of sorts, that:
all I needed was inside. I was the universe and the universe was me.
This is getting long and would hate to bore you, so I will stop here and resume with trips two and three in the following post. To be continued...
"A breath of love can take you all the way to infinity" - Rumi