Punk Rock Existentialism

To recap, I was raised roman catholic from birth, baptized, and immersed into a religious world, not of my choosing. Perhaps it was a failing of that form of institutionalized Christianity that always left me feeling something was amiss (I say ‘that form of Christianity’ because I came to learn later in life that there used to be a lot more mysticism in Christian beliefs). Perhaps the doctrines are flawed or the Christian philosophy simply couldn't keep up with modern times. Nevertheless, I always felt there was more to existence than what Catholicism had to offer. By the time I reached high school, I was almost certain that Christianity, and all monotheistic religions, didn't have the answers.

By my mid-years of high school, I had openly denounced, much to my mother's dismay and heartbreak, my belief in the Christian faith. I stopped going to church, with my only acquisition being I would still attend on holidays. I had a job at a local grocery store where I worked evenings and weekends and began to take regular Sunday morning shifts, which gave me a greater justification for missing mass. Influenced by the punk rock scene of the 90s and simply being a teenager, I threw my anti-religious views in my mother’s face. A cross that had been hanging on the wall just inside my bedroom door was taped upside down in a show of defiance. My oldest brother scolded me for doing this and removed the cross from my room altogether. Im not sure if my mom ever saw the inverted cross but if she did, she never mentioned it. In hindsight, I could have handled this situation better. Mom, if you are reading this, I apologize and would certainly approach things differently if I were to live that time again.

I spent the latter years of high school actively protesting my involuntary baptism and subsequent brainwashing, with the help of an odd mix of teenage angst and counter-culture punk rock and hip-hop music influences.

As the years progressed I developed a hardline attitude toward all religions, monotheistic or otherwise. I began to read books by ‘the new atheists,’ particularly Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris. I always had an interest in biology growing up and despite not being much of a science brain in high school, I did quite well in these courses. This interest led me to discover Richard Dawkins, whose evolutionary theories solidified my belief (at the time) in natural selection as the main driver for biological change. I would say that I still believe in much of what Dawkins purports, but my views on Bruce Lipton’s theories of epigenetics have led me to believe that the organism and how it interacts in its environment, plays a more significant role in the mechanism of adaptation and less so, on random mutation.

This was a period in my life in which I was a voracious reader. I read all of Dawkins’ books and many others by Sean Carroll, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, Carl Segan, and Michio Kaku. Astronomy and physics were a huge interest of mine but I always retained a passion for history, philosophy (epistemology and ontology specifically), self-improvement (aka Self Help), and what it means to lead a good and happy life (Positive Psychology). Sam Harris was a major influence on me at this time (and I still am a big fan of his) but I also consumed books by Bertrand Russel, Joseph Campbell, Christopher Peterson, Neil Pasricha, Tim Ferris, Jonathan Fields, and The Minimalists. Despite my interest in science and belief that it held all the answers, I still found myself searching for greater meaning. My modern scientific understanding of our universe, however, convinced me that our existence was devoid of such a thing. I didn’t hold a doom and gloom mentality of life though but instead used this ambivalent cosmic worldview as a way to create a new existential meaning in my life. Seeing how the universe had no grand plan for humanity, I felt it was our duty to create purpose and meaning for ourselves, and the natural world, albeit lacking a higher purpose, was beautiful and wondrous purely by the fact that it had created itself from nothing. I still hold this sense of wonder towards our natural world but just from a different point of reference.

I was very open and vocal about my atheistic beliefs during those years. I have a clear memory of debating a “Christian zealot” on the streets of Montreal. The intersection of St.Catherine Street and McGill College Avenue was a hotspot for religious groups to post and proselytize to the shoppers and tourists walking by. On many an afternoon, after a workout at the local YMCA, I would meet my then-girlfriend at the end of her retail shift. I would often arrive before she punched out and would sit near her work where the preacher would give the sermons over a loudspeaker. Close to the end of the spiel, the disciples would head out into the crowd to hand out pamphlets and spark discussion. I used to enjoy the look on the faces of the religious followers after I refused to accept the pamphlet. I would tell them that I didn’t adhere to their beliefs and would openly express my opinion that they were brain-washed and self-imposed imprisoners of a false system of belief that didn’t allow them to see the true beauty of the universe. I now cringe when I think of how I handled these interactions. What a pompous dick I was! I felt I was somehow better than they were when in all reality, I was no different. I was just on the opposite side of the same existential coin. Now I feel I'm on a different coin altogether, and one that is far less judgemental.

My post-university years catapulted me into full-blown atheism which I remained into my mid 30’s. In my atheistic years, I read voraciously. I needed to know all that science had to offer mankind. Despite my endless search, I was left with nothing more than the conclusion that the universe was an ever-expanding void, devoid of higher meaning and true purpose. In other words, there was nothing greater out there than what our daily existence had to offer (By ‘out there,’ I don't mean intelligent life; I think science and mathematical probabilities have unequivocally revealed the likelihood of the existence of extraterrestrial intelligences, entities, and lifeforms. I will be touching on this in a later post but in the meantime, I invite you to google Dr. Steven Greer and the CE-5 movement). I felt that the universe didn’t give two fucks about who I was, what I was doing, or where I was going. I was simply a product of unchecked cosmological-expansion-met-biological-evolution and it was up to me to find any meaning in it all. And, I had somehow convinced myself there was beauty in it too. Perhaps, in a way of thinking, there is. A passive universe in which matter has formed into conscious beings that act out the drama of life as we know it does hold a subtle beauty. Now, however, I feel this view to be flawed at its core.

Despite all my searching, I couldn't shake the feeling that something in my understanding, specifically, something in the scientific understanding was missing. Science had made significant discoveries and proven a lot of their theories but they had failed to connect the dots for me. By ‘connecting the dots’, I mean, what do the key findings of science mean for our lives? What does particle-wave duality mean for our existence in the here and now? There was more to the cosmos than science was willing and able to explain, and I could feel it.

My early 30s saw me retreat into myself. The belief that only I could create a greater purpose in my life, coupled with an attempt to extricate myself from a failing marriage, sling-shotted me onto a path of self-improvement. This took the form of marathon running and I adopted a full-fledged training regime. Reading about existential questions took a backseat to texts on runners' form, injury prevention, and self-help books. I was far too caught up in my perceived day-to-day problems and shortcomings that I could not begin to ponder the greater existential questions. I needed to escape from my here and now, so there was no space for anything outside of, or greater than, myself. How could there be? After all, my scientific worldview told me there wasn't. Well, at least, there was nothing out there that was truly relevant to my bodily existence here on earth.

That period in my life was very formative, however. It led me to leave an unhappy marriage and find my true love, a woman that would change my life forever. It also unwittingly primed me for a new path to spiritualism and mysticism. When I met my (now) wife, I was still a hardnose atheist, albeit a softening one. Through my failed marriage I had come to realize that a hard stance on any topic was, to some degree, a sign of ignorance. The simple understanding of the way some people looked at me after discovering I had a failed marriage, made me realize there was always more to any situation. I, after all, still felt I was a good person and didn't deserve to be judged for what I had done (I instigated the separation). Despite the commonness of divorce, I still experienced blowback, albeit short (thankfully), as I heard whispers that extended family was “shocked that I had left” and balked, “how could I do that to her.” This feeling was especially salient when my mom mentioned in consolation, that it was a good thing my Oma (her mother, my grandmother) was no longer here (rest in peace Oma) to know that we got divorced. My Oma, indeed of a different time, was a devout Christian and divorce was seen as a faux pas. Nevertheless, if I felt that my family, who knew me well, didn't know the whole ‘story,’ then it was very likely that I didn't know the ‘whole story’ about many people, or things in general, or the universe at large. If I didn't want to be judged for my perceived shortcomings then I couldn't judge others for similar 'failings' or anything, for that matter. I began to realize that it was not my place to judge others for their beliefs because everyone has their own experiences which dictate their actions, thoughts, and emotions.

Little did I know that I was being spiritually primed by the preceding events, which would lead me to a greater sense of awareness and connection to the universe, upon meeting my beloved soulmate.

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." - Confucius