Psychedelic Integration & Cosmic Roadblocks

The series of psychedelic experiences I wrote about in the last post changed my life for the better. Yet, more than a year has passed since my third trip and the afterglow has faded. The memories are like a distant dream. I often struggle to remember the lessons learned during a psychedelic experience and how to integrate them into my daily life. Integration of psychedelic experiences is an important aspect of any journey. It allows the individual to review their experience, pinpoint key moments, reflect, and incorporate the lessons learned into their daily lives. Luckily, I recorded a detailed account using the Field Trip app, which is what I drew on when writing the previous posts. The Field Trip app is a great platform to prepare for, record, and integrate the experiences of a psychedelic journey. Having these accounts allows me to revisit and relive the experiences.

Reading my notes when writing the posts was a valuable recollection. Even so, I long to visit there again, that sacred place of universal consciousness and cosmic love.

What is Normal?

There is still more to discover about it and myself. I have more questions to ask. I want to know if it is possible to maintain the higher vibration needed to embody pure love and if so, how? Is it possible to reach this state for an extended period of time, or permanently? Even figures of great enlightenment are known to express anger and disappointment at times. So then, is it simply the human condition to struggle with emotions? Is there actually a way to transcend the self? Is the higher self attainable or are we forever locked in a state of reaching for it? A never-ending Jacob's ladder?

There have been times in my life, recent too, in which I was much more spiritually stable. I had a consistent mediative practice, I was mindful of my emotions. At that time, I was aware of my tone when speaking to others and how my words were affecting those around me. I have since fallen off the proverbial horse of mindfulness. My spiritual practice now festers at its feet.

Yet, I try not to fret. The journey through a spiritual life has an inherent ebb and flow, which leaves me wondering, are we all like this? Is it normal to become our higher self for a time, only to fall back out and wonder where we went wrong? In a previous post, I likened this to straying from a path and the analogy is a good one. Thrown from the horse, I now lay in the brambles that line the trail. I can see the horse close by, but the tall grass hides my way back to it. I know there is a way back, but it will mean bushwhacking through thorny vines.

That's where I currently am: I know I can get back but it's not going to be easy. In an attempt to reach that place again, I recently embarked on another journey with the aid of the friendly fungi.

TRIP 4

For simplicity, I have named it Trip 4, as I see it as part and parcel of my previous journeys of discovery, even though it occurred sometime later. Refraining from a heroic dose as I was unfamiliar with the strain, I decided to keep it to a moderate dose of 3.5 grams, which I prepped and prepared in the same way as the previous trips from a year before.

I lay on the bed of our guest room where I had created the journey space. There I waited for the first waves of experience to arrive. When they did, it came in the form of feelings of extreme gratitude for my children. I had been struggling to cope with my oldest, currently a toddler in the 'terrible twos' phase. My general demeanor around him was one of frustration, accented by feelings of failure. I was failing to cope with the temper tantrums by letting my emotions get the best of me. With the aid of the mushrooms, I was able to accept my perceived failings as part of learning to be a parent. I acknowledged that this was an opportunity to change and grow as a person and father. I resolved to be more patient with both myself and my two young sons.

Cosmic Whack-a-Mole

No sooner had I resolved one thing, than another popped up. These journeys have a funny way of keeping you on your toes. I became fearful of losing my relationship with my wife. Nothing too intense, but a subtle foreboding. She had expressed concern about my interactions with the boys on many occasions. This settled in me a fear that my continual frustration with the boys might cause me to lose her.

As with many things in life, there is a tendency to get stuck in a groove (whether good or bad). This often leads to a spiral deeper into the current state, like a negative feedback loop. Having to constantly repeat myself coupled with not being able to take my eyes off them for fear they will hurt themselves, feeds my frustration. This makes me feel bad about how I'm handling things, which makes me frustrated with myself. Rinse, repeat.

This frustration sours my mood and creates a space where my 'inner Eric' reveals itself and thrives. Eric is my dad and although a good man whom I love, he tends to focus on the negative things in life. There is always some perceived problem his 'analytical and engineer mind' looks to solve. If there isn't an obvious problem, he will theorize one, even to an irrational extent.

I used to get sucked into this line of thinking. I would pander to his problem-searching by explaining myself at length in an attempt to show my understanding of things and to gain his approval. Having grown up with this, it has rubbed off on me. As a result, a tendency toward the negative has embedded itself deep in my subconscious. Well, not so subconscious anymore, as I am well aware of "my inner Eric's" presence. I have also been working hard in the last couple of years to extricate it from the depths of my mind.

The Value of Psychedelic Experience

This is another valuable aspect of a psychedelic journey: it will present you with whatever troubles your mind, bringing to the forefront anything you have attempted to shutter. As I mentioned in a previous post, there is no hiding from yourself in the midst of a psychedelic experience. This kind of journey offers the experiencer the opportunity to analyze aspects of themselves they might normally avoid, due to the uncomfortable nature of such an exercise. But it's important to address whatever is lurking in the shadows of your mind. Being vulnerable with yourself will allow you to gain self-compassion. With this, you can begin to heal deep-rooted traumas or make the necessary resolutions to change problematic parts of yourself. Change is scary but it's an important and even necessary aspect of a fulfilling life.

The mushrooms revealed what could be if I continued to disregard resolving the issue of my inner Eric. I witnessed my wife making love to another man, whose face I could not see. Yet, I understood that this was not a certainty but instead, a warning of what could be if I didn't make the appropriate changes. It didn't have to be that way, and I was then shown a vision of her and I, older, together on a lovely jungle hillside property with a beautiful home that hugged the landscape. That evening, I chose the latter of the two outcomes.

Other than the above experiences, the trip was quite mild. I couldn't avoid feeling frustrated with the unfolding as I was hoping to have a deeper and more meaningful experience. I thought I had let go of all expectations for this journey, but I still clearly held on to some sense of control.

Upon reflection, Trip 4 was strangely reminiscent of Trip 2. I wondered if my ego was up to more clandestine operations. Was my ego, bruised and disgruntled by the previous usurpation, mounting another effort to prevent being supplanted once again? I am interested to see if another heroic dose would dislodge more hidden memories from Trip 4.

Only time will tell I suppose. If I embark on any more journeys, I'll be sure to post about my discoveries.

" As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." - Henry David Thoreau