RECOLLECTIONS OF A PSYCHEDELIC ODYSSEY: Part Two

A Hero's Journey

No descriptive intro this time, going to jump straight into it.

TRIP TWO: Things Aren't Always As They Seem

After a couple of days of journaling, meditating, and reflecting on my first trip, I was ready for the second. I was eager to get back to where I had been and go further. I wondered what deeper (or higher?) states of consciousness lie beyond what I had experienced on Trip One. I had read about the dissolution of the ego and desired to reach that point. I felt I had only skimmed the surface of such a state and I wanted to experience it on a deeper level. As profound an experience as Trip One, I was still very much aware of myself throughout and thus, was somehow separate from all I witnessed. The mushrooms had revealed that I was a part of the universe and it, a part of me, but there was a dichotomy that I wanted to break through.

The pre-trip ritual, and method of ingesting the mushrooms were the same as the previous trip. I settled back onto my mat as the initial wave of the psychoactive compounds wash over me. The sensations intensified and I had the strangest feeling of a lack of corporal knowledge. The song that was playing in my headphones referenced body parts and I couldn't for the life of me place where they were in relation to my own body. I continued to lie on my mat, waiting for more to occur. I waited, but nothing beyond peculiar sensations in my body presented and those were already subsiding. The trip was not going as I had hoped and I began to feel frustrated. I questioned my actions: Had I had too strong of intentions and expectations for this round and that was affecting the unfolding? Had my body built up a tolerance after the first dose? Was the time between trips too short? Had I not taken enough mushrooms, considering how close together the trips were? The trip was quite subdued despite my dosage of 4.25 grams. Was I trying too hard to gain insights and have a mystical experience?

I attempted to meditate and focus on my breath but found this too challenging. I couldn't stem the flow of frustrated feelings and thoughts of disappointment with the trip. I took a deep breath and tried to let go but nothing changed. I decided to call it, tidy up my things, and headed back downstairs to go to bed.

If nothing else, trip two taught me about releasing control and letting go of expectations, which is a pretty good lesson for life. After all, the only thing that is certain in life, is uncertainty. We gain comfort in false senses of security, whether it be our jobs, relationships, or financial situations. In reality, all or any of these can change in an instant.

In the days preceding the third trip, I focused on releasing all frustration around trip two and worked on letting go of all expectations and control of the next and final journey. I say final, because for at least the foreseeable future (I was about to be a father for the second time), I would need to be very present and focus my energy on my wife and children. More psychedelic excursions were simply off the table.

TRIP THREE: Not For the Faint of Heart

Despite the disappointment, Trip Two taught me to release control and let go of expectations. In general, this seemed like a pretty good lesson for life. After all, the only thing that is certain in life, is uncertainty. We seek comfort in our jobs, relationships, or financial situations when in reality, these can change in an instant. They are a false sense of security.

So, in the days approaching trip three, I focused on releasing frustration around trip two and letting go of the expectation for the next. I resolved to relinquish all control to the shroom for my next and final journey. I say final, because I was about to be a father for the second time, and had no further plans for psychedelic excursions in the foreseeable future. I would need to be present and focus my energy on my wife and children. More trips were off the table.

After ingesting the 5.5 grams of lemon tekked mushrooms, the trip developed fast, fueled by an intensity I had not experienced before. Within the dim light of the curated journey space, I felt a profound sense of joy and laughter. Yet, I experienced the most intense sadness, as if the suffering of the entire world piled on to me. I wanted to laugh hysterically but also cry uncontrollably. I was unable to do either, as my body felt paralyzed, plastered to the floor under an invisible weight. The thought of moving my body felt like a major undertaking I didn't know where to begin with. I felt an intense build-up of emotions as if a fire hose of feelings were being forced through a pinhole. The inconceivable amount of emotion left me feeling like I was experiencing every possible sensation known to existence. I have clear memories of laughing out loud, but also, of sobbing out of control. Both of which I'm certain didn't happen, as Lili had no recollection of hearing either when I later asked about it.

It was around this point that I came upon, the large, shiny black cube from the beginning of Part One. Hovering in mid-air, with the shadowy figures standing behind it, I understood this box to be death. I also knew that I would die if I were to enter it. I then realized when I had seen the box before (the feeling of deja vu): it was during the second trip! At that time, fearing death, I turned and left, consequently ending that trip. For reasons unknown to me, my subconscious mind had hidden the experience from my conscious mind, blocking all memories of the floating cube. But, in the depths of my third trip, I now understood why.

The box was death, not my physical death as I had previously thought, but the death of my ego. Fearful of dissolution and being torn from its association with my physical body and its understanding of itself, my ego had blocked the experience of the second trip from my conscious memory.

I want to emphasize here that I had no recollection of that experience until I was knee-deep into the third trip. My second trip had not been uneventful after all!

I then experienced a strange shift in my understanding of time: I was having two trips at once, the current third trip and the hidden second trip. I was simultaneously remembering while experiencing at the same time. Since my subconscious mind had hidden the second trip experience, when I saw the cube again, it was also like the first time. I experienced the present and the past at once. They overlapped one another in an intricate projection of an altered reality. Each moment of new experience accompanied a memory of the same occurrence, which I already experienced on trip two.

Not completely understanding the situation and how to enter the cube, I turned my back on it (for the first time, again). But this time, in an instant, I blasted through space and time to another realm of existence. Shooting from one reality to another, I had a profound out-of-body experience. Part of me, presumably my soul (or inner spirit), could see myself (my physical body) as viewed from above. I saw myself, laying in the fetal position on the floor of our third-story attic, covered in a blanket wearing eye shades and headphones. I remember thinking, "I know that is me, but how can I be here and there, at the same time?" The cube, through an action like a big bang, enveloped and dissolved all sense of my physical being with an unimaginable force.

At this point, I lost all concept of my body. I had no recollection of bodily sensations or even breathing, which had been such a conscious act during the previous two journeys.

I became a part of the universe, emersed and integrated into every part of its being. Having exited my physical body, I was set free into the cosmos as pure energy. I lost all sense of time, other than an awareness of time as non-linear: the past, present, and future existing at once. Time was a churning and folding of events, like dough ingredients blended in a galactic stand mixer. I lived my future, experienced my past in the present moment, and saw time as a fluid, swirling entity. I saw and lived the lives of others, had memories of experiences that were not mine, and of things I had never done. I suppose to some degree, I did do them, through these hazy and unknown memories.

Vaguely, I remember coming to and feeling overwhelmed in a moment of panic. Luckily, I was able to calm myself down with deep and controlled breathing. I was barely able to gain control before, with the blink of an eye, I was back amongst the cosmos. The trip was very much accented in this way, with a dizzying flip-flopping, to and from the physical and spiritual dimensions.

In my work life, seemingly separate from this journey, I’d been having some trouble with an HVAC contractor I had hired on a project. With tax time approaching, I requested that he provided me with his registered tax number so I could claim his invoices as an expense. I was adamant about resolving the issue, even though he was non-compliant and avoidant. Needless to say, the situation fed my frustration and anger (I was a more stressed-out person back then by the way). But during the trip, my perspective changed when something very strange happened: I became him. I experienced myself (him) texting me (the last message he had sent me). I could feel all his emotions, pain, and suffering. This man was a very troubled individual behind closed doors, with complex emotional issues that he bottled up, to the best of his abilities. Shocked by his day-to-day experience, it hurt me to see him that way. Despite my frustration, the body swap was so real, it left me feeling only compassion for him. After all, I knew exactly what he was going through. The burden of his daily suffering was not something I wanted to experience again, nor was it something I would wish upon anyone. This experience also frightened me: he was an energy vacuum, trying to suck me into a black hole of negativity, and into the realm where he dwelled. I immediately resolved to cut him loose, stop pursuing any further interactions with him, and absorb the cost of his invoices. The decision was immediately followed by a profound release of obstructive energy, like a cork released from a champagne bottle.

At some point during all the intensity, I remember opening my eyes to see the room alive with movement. Like an underwater scene with an ocean current pushing everything to and fro, there was a steady wave-like energy washing through the room. Everything around me appeared to be floating and distorted as if I had opened my eyes underwater. The only thing in clear focus was a giant face, which hovered above me in a corner of the room. Situated in some sheer curtains my wife had hung to hide an ugly acoustical panel ceiling, the face resembled a rock giant. With rough, stone-like features, the face was serene and benevolent, and it smiled subtly as it watched over me. I smiled back and thanked it for joining me on this journey.

Upon closing my eyes again, I was brought forth to witness the base core of the universe:

Wondrous, terrifying, and awe-inspiring.

I was engulfed by a dizzying kaleidoscope of geometric and spiral patterns and the most vibrant technicolor I've ever seen. In this place, far from the normal plane of existence, I became an intricate part of the universe once again. Simultaneously, I knew that it was I that had created it all. A deafening and indescribable cacophony rang out from all around as if every instrument in the universe were playing the same note at once. Cymbals clashed and horns bellowed. I felt the vibrations of existence ripple through the cosmos and I was at the forefront of every frequency, projecting out to all parts of the universe.

At this point, back on the physical plane, I recall prying the headphones off my ears in an attempt to relieve them from the intensity of the sound. The act was futile.

The universe, a benevolent conscious energy, was borne out in front of me. An all-encompassing love lay at its core. Despite this, I understood it to also be impartial to what it is, was, and will be. It contained all the feelings, thoughts, and emotions that could ever exist in all conscious entities. But at the same time, it didn't contain any of these, as it didn't classify or feel emotions in the same way that humans do. Without words, it told me that it wanted the best for us. It told me it would provide all that we needed to live loving and fulfilling lives. But it also revealed that it will let us pursue whatever path we choose, even if it's a "negative" one. The universe, containing all emotion, didn't differentiate between good and bad. These were two intricate parts of one greater thing, the whole of existence. As I understood it, what humans considered "bad" was just less of this whole. The "better" (or good) one was in their life, the more of the whole one possessed and the closer one became to embodying the true essence of the universe: love. I know it seems counterintuitive: how could this universal love not care? But that line of thinking is the result of our concept of love, which isn't the same as the essence of the cosmos.

Let me try to explain this in another way.

At some point during the evening, in a moment of clarity in which I became aware of myself, I asked the universe what I should do with my life. The response was simple yet complex:

‘help others be themselves.’

Despite the simple wordage, I understood this to mean that helping others was the key to a fulfilled life and peaceful existence. If you can help others by giving them the space to be their authentic selves, without judgment, then they will truly be fulfilled. When one is fulfilled, one is at peace, and when at peace, all want, hate, anger, negativity, etc, melt away. What's left when you strip away all fear and negativity? Love. If one can embody love, they embody the universe and become creators of their reality. At the same time, the universe, through them, allows love to be and can grant this universal state of love to all that are willing. We are love, give love, the thing that contains love and allows love to exist. But the universe has no control over who is willing to embody love. It doesn’t differentiate between good and bad and has no attachment to who chooses to embody it.

The universe is conscious, but not in the sense that it ‘thinks’ or feels for itself. It is simply the ability for consciousness to exist, the universal state that allows consciousness to be. It cannot judge. It only allows the existence of love and the degrees to which it can manifest across the cosmos.

The universe was ambivalent, but not in a bad way. I never got the sense that this inherent feature came from a place of malice, governance, or control, like in scriptural accounts of a monotheistic god. It was more akin to having no control over how existence unfolds. Like it had learned, as I had for this trip, to relinquish control and let go of expectation. Existence just is, and at its core was love.

In another moment of clarity, I asked how I could achieve this state. The universe reiterated that we can have whatever we want in life and it will provide it for us. I already could live life in this way, all humanity could. One’s ideal life (uninhibited, fulfilled, and full of love) can become a reality and in fact, was already a reality. Since time isn't linear, whatever you desire and strive for -which by our regular understanding of time is situated in the future- has already happened. The past, present, and future exist all at once. One's desires for the future have already happened and exist in the present moment as a result. Therefore, you already have whatever you want because if it exists in the future, then it exists in the past and the now. You just need to synchronize your being with that of the universal conscious energy and pull that preexisting ‘future’ into alignment with your being.

I understood this to mean that if we are our authentic selves and live from love, our lives will unfold in amazing and fulfilling ways. We do this by raising our energy to the frequency of universal love, becoming the creators of physical reality.

Suddenly, without warning, I was violently removed from that plane of existence and thrown back into my body. The intensity of what I had experienced was immediately felt throughout my entire being. Completely overwhelmed by the sensory overload, the only thing I could do to handle the experience was vomit. Luckily, I had placed a container nearby for this exact purpose, and with the sudden emptying of my stomach, the trip came to an abrupt end. It was as if the universe said “times up, you’re done” and promptly removed me from its presence. The total time was 2 hours and 40 minutes. It had passed in a flash but at the same time, it felt like an eternity.

I spent the rest of the evening in utter reverie. I could hardly fathom what I had witnessed. Having touched the divine and experienced the true nature of reality, I was completely dumbfounded. My mortal mind could barely comprehend the download of cosmic knowledge. I am not a religious person, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had experienced a holy transformation akin to what I learned about as a kid in the catholic church: the ecstasy experienced when in the presence of God.

I know science would say that the experience occurred entirely in my brain and mind but I truly believe the experience was just as real as our understanding of material existence. The experience felt so true and I couldn’t shake the reality of the out-of-body experience I had. The thought that this all occurred in my head, didn't make sense and still doesn't to this day.

That heroic dose allowed my soul or spirit (whatever you choose to call it) to break free from my physical body and transport it back to the place of its creation, to the core of the universal consciousness.

The experience was beyond profound for me and was truly life-changing. It reinvigorated me on this path to discovery and opened my mind to new ideas, concepts, and possibilities. And perhaps, with continued reflection and integration, it will help me day by day to gain a little more of that greater whole.

"To see a world in a grain of sand, And heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand, And eternity in an hour." - William Blake